A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof. so he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "gorilla removers". He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes. The gorilla remover arrives, and gets out of his van. he's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.
"What are you going to do?" the homeowner asks.
"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then i'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseball bat. When the gorilla falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let it go. The gorilla will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."
So the guy puts the ladder up, gets the bat and the shotgun and walks towards the ladder. As he gets to the base of the ladder, he hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.
"If the gorilla knocks me off the roof, shoot the damn dog!"
An air traffic control tower suddenly lost communications with a small twin engine aircraft.
A moment later the tower land line rang and was answered by one of the employees.
The passenger riding with the pilot who lost communications was on a mobile phone and yelled, "Mayday, mayday!! The pilot had an instant and fatal heart attack. I grabbed his phone out of his pocket and he had told me before we took off he had the tower on his speed dial memory. I am flying upside down at 18,000 feet and travelling at 180 knots. Mayday, mayday!!"
The employee in the tower put him on speaker phone immediately.
"Calm down, we acknowledge you and we will guide you down after a few questions. The first thing is not to panic, remain calm!!"
He began his series of questions.
Tower: "How do you know you are travelling at 18,000 feet??"
Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 18,000 feet on the dials in front of me."
Tower: "Okay, that is good, remain calm. How do you know you are travelling at 180 knots??"
Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 180 knots on the dials in front of me."
Tower: "Okay, that is good. How do you know you're flying upside down??"
Aircraft: "Because the s**t in my pants is sliding out of my collar."
A Woodridge girl goes to Centre-link to register for child benefit.
"How many children?" asks the assessor.
"10," replies the Woodridge girl.
"10?" says the council worker. "What are their names?"
"Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and Wayne."
"Doesn't that get confusing?"
"Nah," says the Woodridge girl. "Its great, because if they are out playing in the street I just have to shout, 'WAYNE, YA DINNER'S READY' or 'WAYNE, GO TO BED NOW' and they all do it."
"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed council worker.
"That's easy," says the Woodridge girl, "I just use their surnames."
Only trouble with a pipe layer like the one @Gecko has posted, is you can’t guarantee the depth of the pipe once you’ve finished.
And the less said about the HE effort, the better! I assume that was an April fools?