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Gecko
Well-known member
New mouse mat.
pettsy
Well-known member
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When you want a jet ski through the farm accounts
Last edited:
V8Druid
do it as well as you can,but learn to do it better
wouldn't want to come unstuck on thatConnectez-vous ou inscrivez-vous pour voir le contenu
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Brendan
Well-known member
V8Druid
do it as well as you can,but learn to do it better
Left hooker
Well-known member
Novel way to stir the slurryConnectez-vous ou inscrivez-vous pour voir le contenu
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When you want a jet ski through the farm accounts
amazed he can breathe and not gas him self out Wonder if it would keep running if ran out of fuel
Flying Torquewrench
Active member
There's this bloke gets a new job at one of these new big one stop shops..
It has everything you could possibly want under one roof.
Taking him around the first day his boss explains that as a salesman he is expected to make around 15 sales a day, but not to worry if he only makes a few a day for the first few weeks.
At the end of the day the boss comes back over to him asking how many sales he made today.
Proudly he says, ' One sale boss'.
'Only one sale, how much was it worth?'
'100 grand' he tells the boss
'What on Earth did you sell?'
'Well I was showing this man the fishing hooks, he decided on a few of them as well as some other tackle. He then decided he needed a new rod and reel as well. As we were walking to the registers he noticed our boating section. So i showed him around and he ended up with a new boat too. Well he didnt have anything big enough to tow the boat so he bought a car as well.'
The boss is astonished, ' So your telling me a bloke came in to buy fishing hooks and you sold him new tackle, rod, reel, a boat AND a new car??'
'Oh no no no... He came in to buy tampons for his wife'
"I told him 'Well your weekends f***ed, you might as well go fishing!!'"
It has everything you could possibly want under one roof.
Taking him around the first day his boss explains that as a salesman he is expected to make around 15 sales a day, but not to worry if he only makes a few a day for the first few weeks.
At the end of the day the boss comes back over to him asking how many sales he made today.
Proudly he says, ' One sale boss'.
'Only one sale, how much was it worth?'
'100 grand' he tells the boss
'What on Earth did you sell?'
'Well I was showing this man the fishing hooks, he decided on a few of them as well as some other tackle. He then decided he needed a new rod and reel as well. As we were walking to the registers he noticed our boating section. So i showed him around and he ended up with a new boat too. Well he didnt have anything big enough to tow the boat so he bought a car as well.'
The boss is astonished, ' So your telling me a bloke came in to buy fishing hooks and you sold him new tackle, rod, reel, a boat AND a new car??'
'Oh no no no... He came in to buy tampons for his wife'
"I told him 'Well your weekends f***ed, you might as well go fishing!!'"
Left hooker
Well-known member
Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.
It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"
The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"
The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"
When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.
It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"
The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"
The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"
Left hooker
Well-known member
Rory and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she'll try being a hooker. She's not quite sure what to do, so Rory says, "Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him you charge a hundred dollars. Any questions and I'll be parked around the corner."
She stands outside the bar for about five minutes showing her leg, when a guy pulls up and asks "How much?
"She says, "A hundred dollars."
He replies, "All I got is thirty."
She says, "Hold on," and runs back to Rory and asks, "What now?"
What can he get for thirty?"
"A hand job," Rory replied.
So, she runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollars is a hand Job.
He agrees and she gets in the car. He unzips his trousers, and out pops this HUGE willy.
She stares at it for a few seconds, then says. "I'll be right back."
She runs back to Rory. "What's wrong?" he asks.
"Any chance you could lend this guy seventy dollars ?"
EDITED was Roy couldn't resist
She stands outside the bar for about five minutes showing her leg, when a guy pulls up and asks "How much?
"She says, "A hundred dollars."
He replies, "All I got is thirty."
She says, "Hold on," and runs back to Rory and asks, "What now?"
What can he get for thirty?"
"A hand job," Rory replied.
So, she runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollars is a hand Job.
He agrees and she gets in the car. He unzips his trousers, and out pops this HUGE willy.
She stares at it for a few seconds, then says. "I'll be right back."
She runs back to Rory. "What's wrong?" he asks.
"Any chance you could lend this guy seventy dollars ?"
EDITED was Roy couldn't resist
Gecko
Well-known member
Left hooker
Well-known member
(JK)
A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son.
All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in tears.
'What's wrong?' asked the mother. 'I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out,' replied the daughter.
The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago.
About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears. 'Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out.'
Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago. A week later her son walked into the room in tears.
'It's okay' said the Mom, 'I know what happened. You were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out.'
'No,' said the boy, 'I was playing with myself and I shot the dog.'
A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son.
All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in tears.
'What's wrong?' asked the mother. 'I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out,' replied the daughter.
The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago.
About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears. 'Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out.'
Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago. A week later her son walked into the room in tears.
'It's okay' said the Mom, 'I know what happened. You were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out.'
'No,' said the boy, 'I was playing with myself and I shot the dog.'
Shovelhands
Well-known member
Bloody hell, that’s an oldie! Not heard that since school
pettsy
Well-known member
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Left hooker
Well-known member
An old lady goes to the dentist,drops her bloomers,sits down and lifts her legs.
The dentist says " Hey,I'm not a gynecologist !! "
She says " I know,I just want my husbands teeth back !! "
The dentist says " Hey,I'm not a gynecologist !! "
She says " I know,I just want my husbands teeth back !! "
Left hooker
Well-known member
In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight mini skirt.
As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.
Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't.
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step, and, once again, much to her dismay, she could not raise her leg.
With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind a third time to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.
About this time, a large man who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body!
I don't even know who you are!"
The man just smiled and said, "Well, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we were friends!
As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.
Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't.
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step, and, once again, much to her dismay, she could not raise her leg.
With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind a third time to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.
About this time, a large man who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body!
I don't even know who you are!"
The man just smiled and said, "Well, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we were friends!
Gecko
Well-known member
Left hooker
Well-known member
Fence Climbing
A woman had been a prostitute for 4 years and was worried about the size of her vagina on her wedding night, so she decided to tell her newly wed husband that she had caught it when climbing over a farmer’s fence.
After 10 minutes in bed with her, he asked, “just how far across the paddock were you before you realised it was caught!”.
A woman had been a prostitute for 4 years and was worried about the size of her vagina on her wedding night, so she decided to tell her newly wed husband that she had caught it when climbing over a farmer’s fence.
After 10 minutes in bed with her, he asked, “just how far across the paddock were you before you realised it was caught!”.
Left hooker
Well-known member
Left hooker
Well-known member
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