Lancs Lad
Well-known member
Slightly more long term solution that....albeit pretty swiftlead pill to the temple
6
6feetdown
Well-known member
V8Druid
do it as well as you can,but learn to do it better
Hello?”
“Hi honey this is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?”
“No Daddy. She’s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.”
After a brief pause, Daddy says, “But honey, you haven’t got an Uncle Paul.”
“Oh yes I do, and he’s upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now.”
Brief Pause.
“Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy’s car just pulled into the driveway.”
“Okay Daddy, just a minute.”
A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. “I did it Daddy.”
“And what happened honey?” he asked.
“Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn’t moving at all!”
“Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?”
“He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn’t know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I he isn’t moving either.”
Long Pause
Longer Pause
Even Longer Pause
Then Daddy says, “Swimming pool? Is this 486-5731?”
“Hi honey this is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?”
“No Daddy. She’s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.”
After a brief pause, Daddy says, “But honey, you haven’t got an Uncle Paul.”
“Oh yes I do, and he’s upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now.”
Brief Pause.
“Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy’s car just pulled into the driveway.”
“Okay Daddy, just a minute.”
A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. “I did it Daddy.”
“And what happened honey?” he asked.
“Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn’t moving at all!”
“Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?”
“He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn’t know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I he isn’t moving either.”
Long Pause
Longer Pause
Even Longer Pause
Then Daddy says, “Swimming pool? Is this 486-5731?”
V8Druid
do it as well as you can,but learn to do it better
An old Native American man needed to borrow $500, so he went to the local bank and asked to speak to the Loans Officer.
The banker welcomed him and said he had to fill out a loan application. So, the banker took a form from his desk and began asking questions.
"What are you going to do with the money?" the banker asked.
"Buy silver, make jewelry, then sell it," the man replied.
"And what do you have for collateral?" asked the banker.
The man said, "I don’t know what collateral is."
The banker explained, "Collateral is something valuable that we hold onto in case you can't pay back the loan. Do you have any vehicles?"
"Yes, I have a 1979 Chevy pickup," the man answered.
The banker shook his head, "That won’t work. How about livestock?"
"I have a horse," the man said.
"How old is the horse?" the banker asked.
"I don’t know, it has no teeth," replied the old man.
After a few more back-and-forth questions like this, the banker finally decided to grant the loan to the old man.
A few weeks later, the old man came back to the bank.
He pulled out a big roll of $100 bills from his pocket and said, "Here’s the $500."
"Business must be good!" the banker said. "What are you going to do with the rest of the money?"
"Keep it close to me," the old man answered.
"Why don’t you deposit it in the bank?" the banker asked.
The old man said, "I don’t know what deposit is."
The banker explained, "You just put the money in our bank and we’ll take care of it for you. Whenever you need it, you can take it out."
The old man leaned over the desk, looked the banker in the eye, and asked, "What do you have for collateral?"
The banker welcomed him and said he had to fill out a loan application. So, the banker took a form from his desk and began asking questions.
"What are you going to do with the money?" the banker asked.
"Buy silver, make jewelry, then sell it," the man replied.
"And what do you have for collateral?" asked the banker.
The man said, "I don’t know what collateral is."
The banker explained, "Collateral is something valuable that we hold onto in case you can't pay back the loan. Do you have any vehicles?"
"Yes, I have a 1979 Chevy pickup," the man answered.
The banker shook his head, "That won’t work. How about livestock?"
"I have a horse," the man said.
"How old is the horse?" the banker asked.
"I don’t know, it has no teeth," replied the old man.
After a few more back-and-forth questions like this, the banker finally decided to grant the loan to the old man.
A few weeks later, the old man came back to the bank.
He pulled out a big roll of $100 bills from his pocket and said, "Here’s the $500."
"Business must be good!" the banker said. "What are you going to do with the rest of the money?"
"Keep it close to me," the old man answered.
"Why don’t you deposit it in the bank?" the banker asked.
The old man said, "I don’t know what deposit is."
The banker explained, "You just put the money in our bank and we’ll take care of it for you. Whenever you need it, you can take it out."
The old man leaned over the desk, looked the banker in the eye, and asked, "What do you have for collateral?"
V8Druid
do it as well as you can,but learn to do it better
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks for their orders. The guy says, “A hamburger, fries, and a coke,” and turns to the ostrich, “What’s yours?”
“I’ll have the same,” says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. “That will be $18.40 please.”
The man reaches into his pocket and, without looking, pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the guy and the ostrich return to the same restaurant and the guy says, “A hamburger, fries, and a coke.”
The ostrich says, “I’ll have the same.”
Again the guy reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes routine until one night they enter the restaurant and the waitress asks, “The usual?”
“No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad”, says the guy.
“Me too,” says the ostrich.
The waitress brings the order and says, “That will be $42.62.”
Once again the guy pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress can’t hold back her curiosity any longer. “Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?”
“Well,” says the guy, “several years ago I was cleaning my attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.”
“That’s brilliant!” says the waitress. “Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you’ll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!”
“That’s right. Whether it’s a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,” says the guy.
The waitress asks, “But, sir, what’s with the ostrich?”
The guy sighs and answers, “My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say.”
The waitress asks for their orders. The guy says, “A hamburger, fries, and a coke,” and turns to the ostrich, “What’s yours?”
“I’ll have the same,” says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. “That will be $18.40 please.”
The man reaches into his pocket and, without looking, pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the guy and the ostrich return to the same restaurant and the guy says, “A hamburger, fries, and a coke.”
The ostrich says, “I’ll have the same.”
Again the guy reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes routine until one night they enter the restaurant and the waitress asks, “The usual?”
“No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad”, says the guy.
“Me too,” says the ostrich.
The waitress brings the order and says, “That will be $42.62.”
Once again the guy pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress can’t hold back her curiosity any longer. “Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?”
“Well,” says the guy, “several years ago I was cleaning my attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.”
“That’s brilliant!” says the waitress. “Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you’ll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!”
“That’s right. Whether it’s a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,” says the guy.
The waitress asks, “But, sir, what’s with the ostrich?”
The guy sighs and answers, “My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say.”
pettsy
Well-known member
Lancs Lad
Well-known member
Can't argue with that
T
topkit
Well-known member
This is urgent ! Does anyone on here know how to cancel an E-Bay bid? I accidently bid £3.00 for a Cowboy outfit and it is only 2 miniutes until the end of the auction and I am currently the highest bidder and going to win the Labour Party 
6
6feetdown
Well-known member
You could have a wild west shootoutThis is urgent ! Does anyone on here know how to cancel an E-Bay bid? I accidently bid £3.00 for a Cowboy outfit and it is only 2 miniutes until the end of the auction and I am currently the highest bidder and going to win the Labour Party
6
6feetdown
Well-known member
pettsy
Well-known member
Furniss
Well-known member
They've done it on purpose so he can't actually sign anything.
V8Druid
do it as well as you can,but learn to do it better
A 96-year-old woman's note to her bank! Priceless! 
The following is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by a 96 year-old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.
----------------------------
To whom it may concern,
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his depositing the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly transfer of funds from my modest savings account, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only thirty-one years.
You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has recently become.
From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.
My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.
Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.
Please find attached an Application Contact Status form which I require your chosen employee to complete.
I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.
Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course,
I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Please allow me to level the playing field even further. When you call me, you will now have a menu of options on my new voice mail system to choose from.
Please press the buttons as follows:
Press 1: To make an appointment to see me.
Press 2: To query a missing payment.
Press 3: To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
Press 4: To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
Press 5: To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
Press 6: To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
Press 7: To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to the Authorized Contact.
Press 8: To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.
To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee of $50 to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. Please credit my account after each occasion.
Your Humble Client...
(Remember: This was written by a 96 year old woman!)
The following is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by a 96 year-old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.
----------------------------
To whom it may concern,
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his depositing the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly transfer of funds from my modest savings account, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only thirty-one years.
You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has recently become.
From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.
My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.
Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.
Please find attached an Application Contact Status form which I require your chosen employee to complete.
I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.
Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course,
I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Please allow me to level the playing field even further. When you call me, you will now have a menu of options on my new voice mail system to choose from.
Please press the buttons as follows:
Press 1: To make an appointment to see me.
Press 2: To query a missing payment.
Press 3: To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
Press 4: To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
Press 5: To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
Press 6: To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
Press 7: To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to the Authorized Contact.
Press 8: To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.
To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee of $50 to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. Please credit my account after each occasion.
Your Humble Client...
(Remember: This was written by a 96 year old woman!)
V8Druid
do it as well as you can,but learn to do it better
doobin
Well-known member
Bucket on wheels
Well-known member
A Farmer in Cornwall see's a bloke drinking from his stream & shouts, "Wozzon! Ee dun wanna be drinkin dat,
it's full of horse piss an cow dung".
The bloke says "I'm from london and just purchased a property in the village can you speak bit slower please".
The Farmer replies "If - you -use - two - hands - you - won't - spill - any"!
it's full of horse piss an cow dung".
The bloke says "I'm from london and just purchased a property in the village can you speak bit slower please".
The Farmer replies "If - you -use - two - hands - you - won't - spill - any"!
Gecko
Well-known member
doobin
Well-known member
Bucket on wheels
Well-known member
63M views · 1M reactions | Connie Podesta (conniepodesta.com) on the 5 stupid questions women ask men :) More funny (& ad-free) videos at Jinx Yeo Comedy | Jinx Yeo Comedy
Connie Podesta (conniepodesta.com) on the 5 stupid questions women ask men :) More funny (& ad-free) videos at Jinx Yeo Comedy.
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6
6feetdown
Well-known member
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