From now on, it'll never be said that airport ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor. We dug up a few actual (or at least claimed to be) logged maintenance complaints by QANTAS pilots and the corrective action recorded by mechanics.
Problem: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
Solution: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.
Problem: Dead bugs on windshield.
Solution: Live bugs on backorder.
Problem: Something loose in cockpit.
Solution: Something tightened in cockpit.
Problem: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
Solution: Evidence removed.
Problem: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
Solution: That's what they're there for!
Problem: DME volume unbelievably loud.
Solution: DME volume set to more believable level.
Problem: Aircraft handles funny.
Solution: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
Problem: Radar hums.
Solution: Reprogrammed radar with words.
Problem: IFF inoperative.
Solution: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
Problem: Suspected crack in windscreen.
Solution: Suspect you're right.
Problem: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
Solution: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
Problem: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent.
Solution: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
Problem: Number 3 engine missing.
Solution: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
By the way, according to the report, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident. Really inspires alot of confidence doesn't it?
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